If I Go Crazy Then Will You Still Call Me Superman?

     I just read The Bloggess' posts about depression. I wish I was that brave. I'm feeling inspired now, so I figured I'd come clean and talk about some of the stuff that's wrong with me. If reading this will change your perception of me to someone who's 'dangerous' and 'needs help', please don't read. I'm still the same person I've always been. I'm just very good at hiding my dark side.     It's probably already pretty obvious that I struggle with depression. I have since elementary school, but it got bad in 8th grade. Part of it might have been because that was when I quit dance, which had been a major part of my life for 10 years. Two of my best friends who I considered my sisters randomly decided to hate me. Now, when someone starts getting all pissy with me, I can usually ignore it, and if it gets really bad I'll bitch right back, but when it's your best friend, it completley knocks down all your defenses. My depression got really bad, so I compensated by putting on an extra-happy face at school. My ex-best friend started calling me all sorts of names behind my back (and sometimes to my face), spreading rumors about me, purposely knocking me down and refusing to dance with me when we were partners. It absolutley tore me apart. When the suicidal thoughts started, I knew I needed to quit. The suicidal thoughts mostly stopped, but I was still in a fog.
     My depression moves in cycles. I go through periods of extreme lows, and then highs where I just love life and everything is great. Basically, I have mood swings like you would not believe and it sucks. I've never actually cut myself, mostly because the knives I keep in my room are really dull and I'm a wuss about everything that breaks the skin, plus I have other ways of inflicting pain on myself. I'm an athlete, remeber? Pain is what I do.
     I know I'm not alone in my fight. I have a good friend who has been diagnosed with depression and talks openly about seeing psycologists and whatnot. I can't tell you how incredibly brave she is. I don't think a lot of people notice whenever I'm suffering from a low, simply because I'm a really good liar. My own parents have no idea. My mom didn't notice because she could care less about me. Life would get easier for her if I died. As for my dad, I don't want him to know because I'm scared of disappointing him. He's Superman to me. Plus, if I told a parent it'd be my mother because I don't really care what she thinks of me, and then I'd turn into a child who needs help and must me kept under control and constantly watched. I don't want that. I want to be left alone.
     So yeah. I've heard there's a few people who hate me/are jealous because they think I'm perfect. That makes me laugh. I'm screwed up, I just know how hide it is all.
     This is the first time I have ever been public about my inner demons, and it's pretty hard for me to write this, knowing people might read it. If you've made it this far, don't judge me. Just accept me, please. You have to realize how terrified I am of being judged and looked down on. I act like nothing bothers me, but the truth is that I care very much.
     Romeo has this catchphrase where he says to me "You need help" and then to Ninja "you, even more so". I smile and laugh, but I can't seem to squash that tiny little voice that says "you have no idea."
     I'm sorry to dump all this. I just... I don't know. Don't try to fix me, I don't need help. I'm fine. It'll pass.
<3,
Lani
P.S. Just listen to Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down. That describes me so perfectly it's scary. That's also where my title is from.