Anonymous Psychologist, AKA The Best Superhero Ever

So I was looking through my old writing when I found a story called Anonymous Psychologist that I wrote awhile back that was based off a conversation with Ninja. It was a very interesting conversation.

Anyways, I wrote it, put it on deviantART and then forgot about until it was rediscovered tonight and I realized "Hey, this is fucking hilarious."

I should do normal person stuff like sleep and eat food.

Oh, and Sam is totally Ninja.

~~Anonymous Psychologist~~

It was a normal Thursday night and Samantha Jones was curled up on the couch with her boyfriend Mark Smith, watching the late night news. It wasn't too terribly interesting, but hey, it was three in the morning and nothing else was on.

The broadcast that night focused on Anonymous Psychologist, a superhero who had just recently emerged in their city. She'd already had some success in capturing several ringleaders in organized crime, walking them to the police station after only one conversation. All of the resident superheroes were quite miffed by this newcomer- The Flash was trying to file a lawsuit, Antman was attempting to stage protests, and Batman had thrown a fit and was currently pouting in the Batcave. The press was having a field day.

"I don't buy it," said Mark, eyes fixed on the screen. "She just talks to the bad guys and suddenly everything's fixed?"

"Well, sometimes," defended Samantha, "but if talking them through their problems doesn't work, then she kicks their asses. There's a progression to it."

Mark rolled his eyes. "Hilarious, Sam. I bet the only reason Anonymous Psychologist brings down criminals is that tight black jumpsuit. And the red hair, too. No man can resist a redhead," he said, poking Sam in the ribs. Sam blushed, pushing a strand of cherry hair behind her ear. Mark kissed her forehead and the two watched television in silence for a few moments until the news station played a clip of Anonymous Psychologist confronting a gangster. The camera man seemed to be having difficulty concentrating, because the frame kept drifting down from the super heroine's face to her more… curvy regions.

"See?" said Mark, "that's all she does- dazzle people with sex. Pathetic, really."

"It is not! Watch, she's going to talk to the guy." Sam grabbed the remote and turned up the volume. The on-screen gangster could suddenly be heard.

"I think my problem," he said morosely, "is that I wasn't hugged much as a child." He looked up at Anonymous Psychologist, who put a comforting hand on his shoulder. He bit his lip and took a deep breath. "Will- will you hug me?" Anonymous Psychologist smiled, then fluidly stood and wrapped her arms around the man. He stood in her embrace for a moment, then his face changed from hangdog to a moronic grin.

"Aw, yeah, baby," he crowed, reaching for Anonymous Psychologist's ass.

The second his hand brushed jumpsuit-clad skin, the gangster found himself flying through the air and then through three walls, two windows, and a fountain. Anonymous Psychologist stood several hundred feet away, her fist still outstretched. After a moment, she lowered her hand and casually brushed grit off her clothing.

"Take him in, boys," she called to the slack-jawed police standing behind her.

Samantha smacked Mark upside the head. 

"Told. You. So."

He held up his hands in mock surrender.

"Anonymous Psychologist gets so many come-ons that she's required by law to arrest anyone who makes a move on her," continued Sam, using Mark's chest as a pillow. "And she does it all to make the world a better place. For justice, Mark. For justice."

Mark chuckled. "Sam," he said, grabbing his girlfriend's chin and looking into her eyes, "you really are the most adorable thing ever." He leaned in and planted a long kiss on her lips.

As soon as he pulled away, he could tell something was wrong. Sam had slid off his chest and was sitting on the other end of the couch, her knees drawn up to her chest. She raised her head to look at him and he saw tears in her eyes.

"Sam? I didn't mean to… I thought… I'm sorry?"

"No, Mark." Sam took a shuddering breath. "I'm the one who's sorry. I never wanted it to come to this, I really didn't, but it's the law. I have to do this. Please believe me when I say I never wanted it to happen."

"…What?"

"I have to arrest you. It's the law, you made a move on me, so I have to bring you in. 
I'm so sorry, baby."

"I still don't- are those handcuffs? Why do you have handcuffs?"

Tears dribbled down Sam's face as she locked Mark's wrists together. He stared up at her, still in shock, and mouthed various nonsensical syllables. Sam gently laid her hand against his face.

"Don't you see, Mark? It's me, it's all me. I'm the one saving the world." She took a deep breath and ripped open her shirt.

"I am Anonymous Psychologist."

Mark spluttered for a few seconds, then found his voice.

"Uh, Sam, baby? Not to be a buzzkill, but aren't you supposed to have your superhero costume on underneath your shirt when you do that?"

"...Shit."


<3,
Lani


P.S. I REGRET NOTHING.