A Pearl of Wisdom From Me to You

Dearest Readers:

When you are texting an attractive boy at 12:42 AM after you have had a serious emotional conversation and you are in the process of saying goodnight, as in the example below-

Him: Sweet dreams, [Insert Nickname Here]... *yawn*
You: Shut up and go to sleep
Him: Maybe you should ask nicely xD

Do not, I repeat, do not send him Go the Fuck to Sleep through picture messages. That is a Bad Move on your part.

Goddamit did I really just do that yes I did.

Stay tuned for future failures from your favorite fuck-up!

~~

Okay it wasn't all that bad 'cause he kinda just laughed it off and I think we're okay but wow really Lani this guy just poured his heart out to you and you send him "You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep."

Guess who wins all the awards for sensitivity and excellent communication skills? Not fucking me.

<3,
Lani

Hey?

So I've been gone for a while. And by a while, I mean almost ten months. Whoops.

Why? The short answer is that my depression got better, then it got worse, and I'm not really sure what it's doing right now.

I don't have a long answer for you, because I really don't know why I gave up on this blog.

But hey, I'm back! (Hopefully.) You can all return to reading about my shitty teenage problems! It's enticing, I know.

Also, I seem to have gained like five followers during my break. So hello, I guess. Welcome? Enjoy your stay?

Quick Rundown of My Life at the Moment:

- I've turned sixteen.
- I'm still so virginal it hurts.
- My horse has been sold (which was a good thing, so yes, I'm alright with it).
- If possible, I'm even more of a bitch than I was before.

So that should be sufficient. Honestly, I'm glad to be back. I really am.

<3,
Lani

Blehhh.

I am back from my hiatus that was totally not a hiatus at all. I don't know.

Anyways, I don't feel like writing a 5 page expository essay on all the stuff that has happened, so I'm just going to start with stuff that happened today.

All I have to say is that Fangirl (known as SeaHorse on Ninja's blog) had better hope that gel highlighters come out of denim. Otherwise she owes me a pair of jeans.

All of my friends are fabulous and beautiful. I love you all dearly.

Anyways, my mother is pissed at me all the time and I don't know why, my dad getting all meddlesome and controlling about my grades even though I have straight A's, thanks very much, and I just really want to move out right now, okay?

Bleh.

I'm tired of writing now.

<3,
Lani

No More Sluttiness For Me

Today was homecoming. T'was sort of fun. I guess.

I made 12th chair at choir district auditions.

I have also realized that I have been acting like a lesbian whore to get a boyfriend, so I am going to stop that.

I might go into more detail on this later. I don't know. I'm really tired at the moment.

<3,
Lani

HOLY CRAP I DIDN'T DIE AND STUFF

Well shit, I'm not dead after all.

What happened is that I was gone for awhile, and awhile got longer and longer because I was putting off writing a "I've-been-gone-and-here's-what's-happened" post.

So I won't.

Anyways, today was the homecoming carnival at school and it was a lot of fun. I hung out with Mirandola, Jetplane (who I never anymore and it's awful), Ninja (who I don't see either (equally awful)), and a girl in my choir who I shall call SopranoBuddy for now.

We did normal teenage girl stuff, I serenaded everybody because I'm fabulous, and yeah. Then SopranoBuddy left and it was our little group of three. Romeo came and hung out for a while too. And it was all very fun.

(This is totally just a post about all the random shit on my mind.)

<3,
Lani

I'm Funny When I'm High...

I've got a wisdom tooth coming in. Just one, on the bottom right of my mouth, so it;s the bottom left if you're looking at it facing me, but whatever. Anyways, tooth. It hurts like a mother, considering it's punching it's way out of my face pointy-side first and all. So my solution is lots of Orajel and Tylenol, except all we have in our house is the low-dose chewable orange-flavored stuff, so I have to take like eight for them to work. And I think I've accidentally eaten a good amount of Orajel.

Anyways, I accidentally put too much Orajel in my face, and I realized that I have gums. I mean, it's not like I didn't know they were there before, but your tongue is always touching them and they're like walls in your mouth. I told this to Jetplane and she said they were rather blockade-esque. See, people? This woman understands me.

Also, teeth are really sharp. Like, I-have-many-bladed-knives-in-my-mouth sharp. Knives and walls. How am I the only one to notice this??

Continuing with my recent revelations, lizards are fucking ninjas. (To clarify, I meant to use 'fucking' as an adjective, not a verb, because if I used it as a verb it would imply the ninjas and lizards are getting it on, which is not what I meant at all.) But seriously, have you ever just watched a lizard? They can jump like, really far and shit. And hang upside down from sticks.

<3,
Lani

P.S. Upon reviewing this, I realized that I have probably, in the last few days, taken enough Tylenol to kill an elephant and accidentally eaten about half my tube of "Generic Oral Anesthetic". I am going to post this anyways because I am hilarious when I'm doped up. Heh.

P.P.S. I feel I should clarify the title. I'm not high, nor have I ever been, but "I'm Funny When I'm High" has a nicer ring than "I'm Mildy Entertaining on Lots of Chewable Tylenol".


P.P.P.S. I think maybe the Tylenol still hasn't worn off.

IMPORTANT

I pulled a tick off Juliet the other day and now her neck is swelling up from the bite. And it's a really big area that's swollen, too. Like, it's the size of my hand, big.

I don't know what, if any, diseases ticks can transfer to horses, but I'm scared, guys.

So, pray for my horse please? I don't care if you're not religious, do it anyway. This is my horse we're talking about.

</3,
Lani

Change Is Stupid

My sister just informed me that our guest room is going to be renovated into an office for my father. Wtf I didn't see this coming. Okay, okay, I can deal with this, this doesn't really affect me.

And they want to sell my bed and replace it with the one in the guest room.

Like hell. I like my bed, thanks.

I don't do change very well.

<3,
Lani

Dear Mom,

A Trip to the Library

AH WENT TO TEH LIBERRY GUISE.

First off, I went looking like a band nerd, what with my taped up toe, ponytail, shorts tan lines, and music camp T-shirt.

And then I geeked out over classical literature.

List of Books I Checked Out:
- Dante's Inferno (So excited about this one. Like, you don't even know)
- The Iliad (Again, so freaking excited.)
- A Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway (This one's for school, but I'm still pretty pumped.)
- Android Karenina by Leo Tolstoy/Ben H. Winters (Just... awesomeness. It's a revamped Anna Karenina.)
- A Little History of the World by E.H. Gombrich (Again, for school.)
- Beowulf (This one has both the Old English and the translation. It's a bit daunting, I'll admit, but I couldn't resist.)
- and a biography of Sam Houston for some stupid essay contest my mother wants me to enter.

And then I checked out a porn novel to piss off my parents. I flipped through it in the car and hot damn. It's got a shirtless man torso on the cover. Is it sad that this is how I rebel? Also, there's vampires, but from what I've seen it's not stupid like Twilight and they incinerate in the sun like they should.

Then, as I was coming out of the library with my gigantic stack of books, I saw a girl dressed similar to me going in with a gigantic stack of books. We gave each other the badass nod. I love fellow nerds.

<3,
Lani

Please Tell Me My Problems Are Normal

I am going to keep complaining about my toe. I've never broken a bone before, guys, this is a new thing for me!

I went on WebMD because boredom. WebMD basically said "you broke your toe, stupid." Or I could have thrombocytophenia. But it's probably just broken. And by broken I mean a tiny little fracture.

So, I happen to wake up all the time and think "I really don't want to bother with brushing my hair." But I can't just not brush it because my hair is waist length and if I don't I'll be halfway to dreads by the end of the day. Please tell me I'm not the only one with this problem.

Music and horses are the best things ever. And also the main components of my life.

Ninja says I should use my money from the essay contest for a nerdy T-shirt. I'm considering it. Plus, I have a $50 savings bond from a different essay contest, so I can buy ALL the T-shirts!

I should enter essay contests for a living. I'd be like a starving artist, but not as cool. I have based this career choice on the fact that I have won two essay contests ever.

Oh, and I was totally kidding earlier about being a semi-finalist. I was a finalist. Meh. Same difference.

<3,
Lani

In Which I Lengthily Complain About My Injured Toe

I went out to the barn today. Out to Cassie's barn, which isn't the place I keep Juliet. Anyways, Cassie lets me work at the barn in exchange for lessons. Dakota and I were free lunging one of Cassie's horses (free lunging=making the horse run around in the ring without any equipment on, for those of you who don't know), and I tripped over a jump. Now, I was running around barefoot like the smart child I am and my freakishly long second toe took the blow.

In short, I broke my toe.

Well, my dad says it's sprained, but I say it is broken because MY TOE DOES NOT NORMALLY POINT THAT WAY.

And I can't bend it. I mean, you never realize how used you are to everything working until you tell your toe to move and it won't. As a result, it feels like my toe needs to pop, and I keep trying but it hurtssss. Mleh.

Also, I won an essay contest. We read Anthem by Ayn Rand in English last year and had to send in an essay. Apparently, I was a semi-finalist and won $50. Huh.

<3,
Lani

Anonymous Psychologist, AKA The Best Superhero Ever

So I was looking through my old writing when I found a story called Anonymous Psychologist that I wrote awhile back that was based off a conversation with Ninja. It was a very interesting conversation.

Anyways, I wrote it, put it on deviantART and then forgot about until it was rediscovered tonight and I realized "Hey, this is fucking hilarious."

I should do normal person stuff like sleep and eat food.

Oh, and Sam is totally Ninja.

~~Anonymous Psychologist~~

It was a normal Thursday night and Samantha Jones was curled up on the couch with her boyfriend Mark Smith, watching the late night news. It wasn't too terribly interesting, but hey, it was three in the morning and nothing else was on.

The broadcast that night focused on Anonymous Psychologist, a superhero who had just recently emerged in their city. She'd already had some success in capturing several ringleaders in organized crime, walking them to the police station after only one conversation. All of the resident superheroes were quite miffed by this newcomer- The Flash was trying to file a lawsuit, Antman was attempting to stage protests, and Batman had thrown a fit and was currently pouting in the Batcave. The press was having a field day.

"I don't buy it," said Mark, eyes fixed on the screen. "She just talks to the bad guys and suddenly everything's fixed?"

"Well, sometimes," defended Samantha, "but if talking them through their problems doesn't work, then she kicks their asses. There's a progression to it."

Mark rolled his eyes. "Hilarious, Sam. I bet the only reason Anonymous Psychologist brings down criminals is that tight black jumpsuit. And the red hair, too. No man can resist a redhead," he said, poking Sam in the ribs. Sam blushed, pushing a strand of cherry hair behind her ear. Mark kissed her forehead and the two watched television in silence for a few moments until the news station played a clip of Anonymous Psychologist confronting a gangster. The camera man seemed to be having difficulty concentrating, because the frame kept drifting down from the super heroine's face to her more… curvy regions.

"See?" said Mark, "that's all she does- dazzle people with sex. Pathetic, really."

"It is not! Watch, she's going to talk to the guy." Sam grabbed the remote and turned up the volume. The on-screen gangster could suddenly be heard.

"I think my problem," he said morosely, "is that I wasn't hugged much as a child." He looked up at Anonymous Psychologist, who put a comforting hand on his shoulder. He bit his lip and took a deep breath. "Will- will you hug me?" Anonymous Psychologist smiled, then fluidly stood and wrapped her arms around the man. He stood in her embrace for a moment, then his face changed from hangdog to a moronic grin.

"Aw, yeah, baby," he crowed, reaching for Anonymous Psychologist's ass.

The second his hand brushed jumpsuit-clad skin, the gangster found himself flying through the air and then through three walls, two windows, and a fountain. Anonymous Psychologist stood several hundred feet away, her fist still outstretched. After a moment, she lowered her hand and casually brushed grit off her clothing.

"Take him in, boys," she called to the slack-jawed police standing behind her.

Samantha smacked Mark upside the head. 

"Told. You. So."

He held up his hands in mock surrender.

"Anonymous Psychologist gets so many come-ons that she's required by law to arrest anyone who makes a move on her," continued Sam, using Mark's chest as a pillow. "And she does it all to make the world a better place. For justice, Mark. For justice."

Mark chuckled. "Sam," he said, grabbing his girlfriend's chin and looking into her eyes, "you really are the most adorable thing ever." He leaned in and planted a long kiss on her lips.

As soon as he pulled away, he could tell something was wrong. Sam had slid off his chest and was sitting on the other end of the couch, her knees drawn up to her chest. She raised her head to look at him and he saw tears in her eyes.

"Sam? I didn't mean to… I thought… I'm sorry?"

"No, Mark." Sam took a shuddering breath. "I'm the one who's sorry. I never wanted it to come to this, I really didn't, but it's the law. I have to do this. Please believe me when I say I never wanted it to happen."

"…What?"

"I have to arrest you. It's the law, you made a move on me, so I have to bring you in. 
I'm so sorry, baby."

"I still don't- are those handcuffs? Why do you have handcuffs?"

Tears dribbled down Sam's face as she locked Mark's wrists together. He stared up at her, still in shock, and mouthed various nonsensical syllables. Sam gently laid her hand against his face.

"Don't you see, Mark? It's me, it's all me. I'm the one saving the world." She took a deep breath and ripped open her shirt.

"I am Anonymous Psychologist."

Mark spluttered for a few seconds, then found his voice.

"Uh, Sam, baby? Not to be a buzzkill, but aren't you supposed to have your superhero costume on underneath your shirt when you do that?"

"...Shit."


<3,
Lani


P.S. I REGRET NOTHING.

:'-)

Guys? This just made my life. I love Eric Whitacre. I love choir. I love horses (Equus means horse, y'all).

This is far too much awesomeness.

<3,
Lani

UPDATE// And listening to it reminded me that I have Allstate music to learn. Whoops.

-_____________-

I watch MI-5 (a show about British intellegence officers) and one of my favorite characters died. It was very depressing because the main character was in love with her. That made me reflect on just how frequently people die in that show.
Then I put on Legend of Korra and that was depressing too, so I switched it to Avatar, but every time I saw Aang I thought "hey. He dies."
Fuck, now I'm sad.
<3,
Lani

WTF Is This. I Don't Even...

Well, fuck. Can we just rewind the week?

My mother has decided that I need to keep track of my own schedule, which I am fine with, but she decided this on Sunday and didn't let me know until Tuesday.

Cassie has horse camp this week, but it was really rainy and mom kept saying "I don't know if she'll be able to do camp." "I don't think camp's gonna happen." and such. So, I assumed that there was no camp. Apparently there was. Thanks a million, mom! (This ties into the self-scheduling thing. Again, I would have liked some warning.)

Maybe I'm just PMS-y. Am I PMS-y?

I just had to use a knife to get my coke open. Do normal people do this?

Have this link to a video of old people performing popular music. Terribly. But, hey, if it makes them happy, then awesome. MUSIC IS FOR EVERYBODY! MUSIC FOR ALL!

To make that up to you, here is another link to Eric Whitacre conducting his own piece 'The Seal Lullaby' which is kind of beautiful and lovely and stuff.

I should probably be on several different kinds of medication.


Is it weird that whenever the landline rings, I automatically yell 'NO!' and then go see who's calling?

A telemarketer just called. I picked up the phone, yelled "NO." and then I hung up. I think I might enjoy being a telemarketer just to see the different responses I get.

<3,
Lani

What Am I Doing With My Life

...I'm not quite sure how I got here. I started out practicing my music; specifically that one Mozart piece that's a bitch to learn. I attempted to use YouTube recordings in lieu of rehearsal tracks, which brought me to the realization that the speakers on my computer objectively suck.

Now, I'm using my keyboard as a desk for my laptop while eating an almost-empty box of animal crackers and contemplating various nerdy T-shirts, then remembering that I'm poor.

So yeah.

Also, my shirt is made by a company called 'Redshirts'. This makes me fairly nervous. (Star Trek, anyone?)

<3,
Lani

Headbanging

If you know me, you know that my hair is really long. If you don't know me, then allow me to inform you that my hair is really long. Zarina and I were sitting around (her on the stairs, I on the banister), when I had the greatest idea ever.

I should join a heavy metal band.

Think about it. My headbanging would be the best ever because my hair would go everywhere. Like a tornado, but less organized. And with hair.

Zarina gave me the 'you-are-too-stupid-to-be-related-to-me' look. Then, of course, I had to jump down from the banister and show her how awesome my headbanging skills are. That was how I discovered that in order for my hair to make a complete flip, I have to headbang really slowly. Also, it takes a lot of effort to fling around that amount of hair. It made my neck hurt after a little bit, not to mention the diziness.

And thus ended my short-lived career in heavy metal.

<3,
Lani

No One Can Be Told What the Matix Is. You Have to Be Shown.

HEY GUISE I'M BACK. A) Back from choir camp and B) Back from having no computer.


Choir camp came and went and made me realize something.HOLY FUCKING HELL IN A HANDBASKET I WANT OUT OF THE HOUSE. I WANT TO LIVE BY MYSELF SO DAMN BAD NOW. LIKE, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW.

Fucking hell, Blondie leave me alone or so help me god I will shank you in the face.

Anyways. I am listening to my Allstate music through a Youtube playlist some kind soul set up. I might have just listened to the Tenor/Bass piece like three time. Male choirs, Y  U be so beautiful?? Ahem. Sopranos love basses, basses love altos, altos love tenors, tenors love themselves.

Seriously though, all-male pieces are the most gorgeous things ever. It's like dark choclate for your ears. Or an eargasm. Whatever floats your boat. Actually, just listen to this. Gah, I love boys.

Stupid Mozart. Why couldn't you have expressed your tennage in some other way than by writing a twenty-five page piece with no words but "misericordias domini, cantabo in aenum". And then switching rythms and keys every other measure. Holycrap, man. This is going to be a bitch to learn.

One of these days I am going to just haul off and slap my sister. It's gonna happen.

I just changed my screensaver to raining Matrix code. Not gonna lie, it's pretty cool.

I just watched the Matrix and had the obligatory "OMG NOTHING IS REAL" moment. Also, I am kind of in love with Mouse. HE HAS AUTOMATIC SHOTGUNS, PEOPLE.

Zarina is over. Hello, Zarina!
*Zarina waves hello at the computer screen.*
*Zarina is still waving at the computer screen.*
You can stop now, love.

YAY FOR RANDOM THINGS. I AM ENDING THIS POST BECAUSE... UM. STUFF.

<3,
Lani

A Day At Work. Or Some Creative Variation Thereof.

It's 5:40 in the morning, what am I doing up? Today, I'm going to work with my dad. Hell if I know why, my mom keeps bugging me to do so.

So yeah, I'm up, it's ungodly early, and shit like so. Be prepared for a running dialogue.

My dad and I are fighting an ongoing battle over my black toenail polish. I relented and took the purple of my fingers because it's "not professional", but he wanted the black gone too. I forgot to take it off and just wore close-toe shoes instead. He gave me the eyeroll/sigh parental thing.

Coffee apparently prevents skin cancer now. Maybe all the coffee I drink will balance out all the time I spend in the sun.

I'm wondering if I should have brought a jacket. My dad didn't, but he keeps his car at around -42°. But I suppose it's a moot point because all my jackets are sweatshirts. Not "professional". But fucking comfy.

There's a building with a big sign that says 'condos'. At first glance it looked like 'condoms'.

I'm kind of killing time until it's late enough to start texting people.

Hey, look, a store with slut clothes. If I ever have a boyfriend who buys me stuff like that, he will be sleeping on the couch for a month.

My dad is taking advantage of my presence to haze all his coworkers. I've already pretended to be Rochelle Osborne, interviewing Dad about his application to the special forces and Teresa Lisbon inquiring about a job because my dad is a total Mentalist fanboy. His boss totally bought it.

Shit You Will Not Find In a Normal Office That My Father Has Laying Around:
- severed ram's head on the wall
- model of a spine that looks disturbingly real
- letter opener that looks like a knife
- sort of table looking thing...? With stuff?
- gavel on a board on a wall
- whatever the hell this thing is

Dad has a meeting, so he stuck me in an unused office and gave me a bible. I guess he forgot he had my phone, and by extension internet.

Two hours. In a room. With nothing but a bible after my phone died. (It wasn't that bad, actually.)

After Dad's meeting was over I did actual stuff that consisted mainly of printing and stapling. The printer was weird and I had to put paper in it five times over a course of around forty five minutes.

It's lunchtime and my dad's outside on his phone. It makes me want to act ten and whine "PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEE!

There is a strip club right next to my father's office.

I finished printing, stapling, and shuffling papers and now I have nothing to do. Getting up early is catching up with me. I want to go home and fall asleep. Or drink more coffee.

And then the day ends with stuff I don't want to write down because it's boring.

The end. Yay.

<3,
Lani