Saturday, December 31, 2011

Holy Shit Guys, It's a Different Year Now

     2011 just ended. I spent the last few minutes on my computer, not doing anything important. 2011 was a pretty good year. It had its ups and downs, but now it's 2012. Just typing that makes me feel badass. Prepare for the zombie apocalypse that will occur Dec. 21 if Ninja is to be believed. Anyways, I don't have any goals for the new year. I mean, there's stuff I want to do, but I don't have any New Year's Resolutions. People seem to think that just because you decide to do something Jan. 1, you'll have 10x the commitment. Trust me, making goals works all year round. Anyways, enough of my lameness. Happy New Year! :)<3,
Lani
Edit: Damnit, Google's two hours behind my time! It's 2012 where I am, I promise.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Level 14 Ability Gained- Swearing Like a Sailor for Thirty Minutes Straight!

     I was going to post a long, pointless ramble about the things that make me who I am. I was going reflect on how when my mom calls me downstairs and I reply "coming!" I really mean "I have heard and acknowledge your request. I'll come when I'm good and ready." (That last sentence sounds wrong...), and the fact that if people were telepathic, my life would suck. If people knew all of what goes on in my head, they'd have me institutionalized (they're coming to take me away, ha ha, they're coming to take me away). But then my mom made fail-fondue out of partially melted chocolate chips and I decided I like chocolate more than writing about what a freak I am.     So, instead, here's what life is like in my family.
     Blondie: Here, Lani, drizzle chocolate on your marshmallow. It makes it pretty.
     Me: I don't so pretty. I just get as much freaking chocolate as I can.
     Mom: Lani, watch your language.
     Me: 'Freaking' isn't a swear word.
     Mom: Still, your language has gotten worse.
     Me: You should hear me when I run...
     It's true. Not only can I run for half an hour straight, I can swear like a sailor the entire time. Hence the title. And on an unrelated note, if you listen to 'They're Coming to Take Me Away Ha-Haa' backwards, it's creepy as HELL.
<3,
Lani
P.S. I finished reading through the blog of a video game character, and may I just say that I am extremely disappointed? I mean, to give up on a fundamental part of who you are... I understand the  negative effects it induced, but my depression has given me one hell of a time and I wouldn't just do away with it. If I was to make a change that drastic, I would have forego above-average intelligence (although I'm still an idiot), stop mood swings, stop being cynical and sarcastic, and stop being introverted. I've done some of my best humor writing while depressed and cynical. I wouldn't trade it for normality. And I am disappointed in you, video game character who I've already mentioned, for doing so.

HELPING with World DESTRUCTION!!!1!!!!!oneone

     We have a 'playroom' in our house that I resolutely refer to as the 'gameroom' because I am not five. Earlier this year, we decided that it should be remodeled (we being my mother, sister, and me). Our plan was
a) paint the walls. There's like wood paneling on the lowest three feet of the wall. Blondie and I agreed on blue, and we picked out a few option that are currently taped to the wall.
b) move the old, dying leather couch from the living room (downstairs) to the gameroom (upstairs). This was accomplished, and serves as proof that I am fucking superwoman.
c) get rid of the mini table and chairs and pastel pink chairs that are meant for three-year olds having tea parties with their imaginary friends. On a rather unrelated, rambling note, I always used the table and chairs as a fort, and just climbed on the shelf. Instead of tea parties, I went on top-secret missions to save the world with my imaginary friends. I was a badass child.
     ANYHOO. My mother does not want to get rid of the 'play furniture', and would rather paint the walls brown. This would result in brown walls, brown cabinets, brown couch, and brown carpet.
     I have been told that I need to 'be a part of the family' and 'interact with others' and not 'hide away' because my mother 'wants to help' with my attempts at 'world destruction'. If it's not obvious I made that last one up, you need a Gibbs slap. Repeatedly. If you didn't get that, remove yourself from my (online) presence immediately and go watch NCIS. So, I am expected to 'interact with the family' and 'pull my weight' and 'contribute', but I am not consulted about stuff and my opinions have no value. And my mother wonders why I stay in my room all day. -________-
<3,
Lani (who is rather pissed)
P.S. I am most likely going to dump a whole bunch of ramblings on here. Be prepared.
P.P.S. My amazing cousin introduced me to Psychonauts, a game of epicness. Like the good little fangirl I tend to be, I have entertained myself with the blogs of Sasha Nein and Milla Vodello, my two favorite characters, who also happen to be my favorite pairing. There is also a rather large quantity of fanart. I know what you're thinking... shut up. T.T If you know what Psychonauts is, you have earned my undying love. Congrats.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Home for the Holidays

     So, my family is in for the holidays. "Family" consists of me, my mom, dad, and my seven-year-old sister who we'll call Blondie, my grandfather, aunt, uncle, and cousin. My cousin is exactly eleven months older than I am. We'll call her Zarina. Things always get interesting when you put the two of us in the same room/chat room, since we're both pretty crazy (well, I'm completley wacko, while she still retains some semblance of sanity). Examples:
     "Your soul is a funny noise." *time passes* "The soul! It made another noise!"~Zarina
     "Did I drop you on your head when you were a baby and then forget about it?"~Me to Blondie
     Oh, and FYI 'Zarina' is pronounced "Zar-een-uh". There's actually a backstory that explains how she came to be known by that name, but it's long and I shall save it for another time. Until then, I shall hang out with my fairly epic family.
<3,
Lani

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

When Niche Marketing Fails. Utterly.

     Having read Mxy's blog post about screwing with the people who send you spam emails, I decided to try it for myself with the most out of place email in my inbox- an add for penis enlargement. I'm a girl.
The original email:
MaxGentleman Enlargement Pills have been featured across major media outlets around the world, including ESP and Fox News, with dozens of positive reviews.
This is the only Male enlargement supplement that has been PROVEN in clinical trials to enlarge your penis – safely, quickly, and importantly – PERMANENTLY.
Here were the results in 5,000 randomized male subjects who took MaxGentleman for 6 months:

    * Increase in penis length by 1-3 inches
    * Increase in penis width by 20%.
    * Aids in preventing Premature Ejaculation.
    * Achieved longer, rock hard erections
    * All gains in penis length and width were 100% permanent

MaxGentleman Enlargement pills are also:

    * 100% Herbal, 100% Safe
    * Doctor Approved and Recommended!
    * The only Penis Enlargement pill PROVEN in clinical trials
    * No Expensive Doctor Visit Required
    * Very Discrete packaging and billing
    * 100% Satisfaction & Money Back Guarantee
    * 3 FREE Bottles Of MaxGentleman
    * Secure State of the Art SSL Encryption.



My reply:

Excuse me:
You seem to be laboring under the delsusion that I am a strange female mutant with male genatalia. I can assure you that no such condition has afflicted me, as I would have surely noticed. If I may, might I inquire as to why you are offering to enlarge the non-existent cock of a teenage girl? That is really quite disturbing.
Have an awful day,
<I'm not giving you my name, creeper.>

Seriously though, that's weird.

So, did I scare you at all? I sort of scared myself. This is my small, irrelevant post until I can finish the synopsis of Star Trek that I'm working on. Oh, and I only got an error message in return from Max*Gentleman. How rude.
<3,
Lani

Monday, December 19, 2011

Leadership English, A Class of Pure Awesomeness

     Hello, all. I saw my friend had posted on her blog about a list we had made, and since it wouldn’t let me comment, I decided just to add my own commentary to the entire thing. Why? It’s late, I can, and I don’t want to edit my three-page summary of the Star Trek movie just yet (the newest one that J.J. Abrams directed). Yes, I took notes while watching Star Trek, and I am going to blog about it. I am a nerd. But hey, Star Trek is awesome!
     So, my friend's original post will be in black, with my commentary in red.
     I am in English Leadership. It is beyond pre-AP, only 8 people in our class, and 6 of them are from my middle school, the GT magnet known as W.A.V.E. Out of the remaining other 2 (left, a few have transferred out) one of them is actually dating a fellow WAVEr and really should have gone to WAVE. Not to mention our teacher is strange, at best. Anyway, one of my good friends, known as HorseGirl on here (that’s me!), and I made this list that describes most of the weird stuff in our class. Mostly her, but I was thinking about doing it, she just beat me to it. I’m cool like that.
Things That Can Only Happen in Leadership English
-Your class has 8 people
+6 of which you've known for 3 years
-People give each other nerdy nicknames from Harry Potter or Doctor Who
and How to Train Your Dragon

+ Me=Tomato
/Strawberry Head
+ Griffin=Witherwings
+ HorseGirl= Umbridge Bane (we were trying to think of a centaur from HP not male but... )
+ Emma= Amelia Pond
and Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III

-When someone (me... *bows*) brings a HP club form to class, the whole entire class signs
and I have already called Head of Slytherin.
-You are told Yellow Peril is coming to eat your children (my racism (yes we each got assigned a topic about racism) was about yellow peril and it was my "interesting introduction"...)
-Everyone is entitled to Zhenya's food
-The entire class is pulled into a "zool" battle between Zena (me, people) and HorseGirl (this story is for another time)
XD
-People will spend inordinate amounts of time relaying Doctor Who episodes
because Doctor Who is amazing.
-Dr. Fire
(that’s his nickname? LawlJ) (We once made an art project for a school-wide advisory competition) throws things at you if you put your head down
-You can break down crying after a suicide video, and everyone is really nice about it, and understands exactly.
I was crying right there with you.

-People know what the heck TPSP is
- You learn to shoot rubber bands, from the teacher, and the whole class has an epic rubber band battle
-The word "um" is a personal affront to your intelligence
-"Huzzah" being exclaimed after fixing technical difficulties is normal
-left-handed people are forced to write with their right hand
-your personal computer mouse isn't made fun of
out loud.
-Dyeing your hair is considered
 awesome (considered? There is no considered.)
-Art is made of water bottles.
This was in advisory, not English. I, sadly, am not in Dr. Fire’s advisory.

-Technology hates Emma
-All blanks are filled with "fight"
Once again, advisory. I’m in choir advisory, and we knew the entire fight song, thankyouverymuch.
-'Sophie Baker' and 'Elena Klein' became 'Zophie Bake' and 'Elan Klien' because;
-YOU MISSPELL YOUR OWN NAME^
You know what? Shut up.
-Lying on the floor, you suddenly hear Witherwings lying mirror from you. Everyone is nap time!
-You (meaning, well, me) during the announcements randomly decide to stare at someone intently, and then stick your tongue out quickly. Which turns into HorseGirl/UmbridgeBane doing it back, which causes Witherwings' gf [nickname to be decided] to look at us funny, causing us to do it to her until it spreads to the whole class. Oops.
-You bless your chairs in the way you learned in theater, the noise you get from sticking your tongue out and blowing...
Basically, you make a fart noise.
-When Zhenya asks for a spoon, HorseGirl mentions she gave me a collapsible spork that I carry around in my backpack. When I hunt for the spork -I keep it in my toy packet of my backpack- I end up pulling all the toy dinosaurs out (colorful rubber, 3 large light up, and some glow in the dark ones) along with two hotwheels cars, one a school bus, and the other a DeLorean (yes, from Back to the Future). This prompts the whole class to crowd around my desk and play with them all. Witherwings starts naming all the dinosaurs (no, not Bob, but along the lines of Pterodactyl. Triceratops. ect. ect.)
Said dinosaurs were later given to the class as Christmas gifts.
-You discover all psychological issues can be traced back to your mother.
Seeing how f-ed up I am, what does that say about my mom?
-Sitting on desks is acceptable and expected
-Laughing at cheesy special effects at making fun of movies is fun, until the teacher returns and the one person left talking is sent to quiet exile
-*looking at report card* Interacts well with others in ape-hug? I never talk in that class!
Same for me, but with Geometry.
<3,
Lani

The Meaning of Friendship

     Friendship: Where you lend people your shoes so they can walk into the bathroom without contaminating their Batman socks.
Sadly, my friend's socks don't actually look like this.
     Said socks belong to Friend-Who-Needs-a-Nickname. I could call her Strawberry Head, since her hair is dyed the color of Cheerwine (or so she tells me), but when she dyes it another color it wouldn't fit. Anyways, she's the one who writes Deeply Confusing, Highly Amusing.
<3,
Lani

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Creeper, Begone!



     My way? "Dude! You're a fucking creeper!" I don't actually have the balls to say this, except when I'm really pissed, or I'm in one of my 'manic' states (which refers to the bipolar disorder that I'm fairly sure I have, but more on that later).
     Got this off of Cracked.com. I love the website, it's freaking hilarious. My excuse for posting so much tonight is that a) it's winter break b) I'm bored c) I can, okay?
     Honestly, I'd love to write for Cracked someday. They're hilarious, and I wish I could be funny like that. You know, I think another reason I'm posting so much crap is that I want to write about what's currently hanging over my head (possible bipolar, which my parents won't believe that I have), but at the same time I'm being chicken. Being possibly bipolar scares the shit out of me. Especially since I've done my research and I'm fairly sure I'm correct.
     You know you're a doctor's daughter when you not only diagnose yourself with a psychiatric disorder, but you have the research to prove it.

Things to Know About Me (In Order of Importance)

1. I am a sold-out crazy Christian. Deal. With. It. Nothing you say will change that.
2. I'm horse-crazy. Riding is my life, and therefore more important than everything, including you.
3. I'm a choir kid. Don't try to shut me up.
4. I'm quiet until I feel comfortable around you, then I'm fairly talkative.
5. I try my hardest to be accepting and not judge. Don't abuse it. Also, I'd like that in return. Please.
6. I used to have self-confidence issues and I was scared of a lot, socially speaking. Then I realized I handle 1200 lb animals and jump 4 ft obstacles. Shit ain't scary anymore.

I'm on a roll tonight!
<3,
Lani

The As-of-Yet-Untitled Notebook of Awesomeness

     I have a purple notebook in which I record my random thoughts, funny quotations, and whatever crap happens to be in the forefront of my mind. There's some funny stuff in there, so I think I might put some of it on here. Because I can and no one listens to me anyways.
<3,
Lani

I Do Have Friends!

     You know, I don't know why I even bother doing this sometimes. Looking through my stats, the website that's most visited my page sells dentures or something. *sighhhhhhhh*
      Anyways, my I was looking through my friends blog Deeply Confusing, Highly Amusing, which cracked me up, and I saw my nickname is HorseGirl. I completely approve.
      But then again, the only people to read my blog are machines, so I'm pretty much talking to myself, but I do that anyways, so not a whole lot is new. But, ignore my unhappy rant, I'm possibly slipping back into depression. So, carry on.
<3,
Lani

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Metaphors and Diarrhea

     When someone says "I've got my shit together", they are implying that while they have their shit together, you do not (and they are therefore better than you). If your shit is not together (figuratively), then it must be all over the place. When your shit is all over the place, you have diarrhea.
     So, when someone condescendingly tells you that they have their shit together, are they trying to say that you have metaphorical diarrhea?
<3,
Lani